My silverware is going to murder me.

Look, I like being at my parents’ house – at least this week I do, as I’ve only been here for three days. My parents have air conditioning, and they also have my cat. (He’s not even that mad at me for leaving either, although he hasn’t initiated snuggles yet.) My bed here is slight larger and lower to the ground than my bed at school (I’m short, so this is good). The bathrooms are bigger too, and I have my choice of three of them. Oh, and my family is, like, happy I’m home and stuff too.

But god damn it, my parents have fucked up priorities.

DEAR MOM AND DAD,

While it is super great that you are planning on spending thousands of dollars (that would otherwise go towards your retirement, or several trips to Mexico) on renovating the ENTIRE downstairs, maybe first you should fix or get a NEW FUCKING SILVERWARE DRAWER.

This silverware drawer has been here since my grandma lived here. Actually, probably since her mother-in-law lived here. In fact, all of the cupboards have. Getting new kitchen cupboards is part of my parents’ renovation plans, which is great and all except who the fuck knows when that is actually going to happen.

To give you an idea about why I say that, I was displaced from my bedroom for several years while the upstairs was renovated. No college kid should have to say that they sleep in a nice bed at the dorms in school and come home and sleep on the shitty couch. Not that I cared that much, but it went on for way too fucking long. Like, almost three years. And this was the POST-planning stage.

Back to the cupboards, most of them are fine. We’ve even fixed one that wouldn’t close by attaching a new latching mechanism to it, and now it’s fine. But NO ONE IS TOUCHING THE SILVERWARE DRAWER. And it is THE WORST.

First, we’ve always had this stupid brown thing in it that has spaces for the different kinds of silverware – a space for knives, a space for forks, a space for spoons, and two mysterious big spaces, which have been reserved for big spoons and children’s silverware respectively. Now, I’ve tried to organize it. I really have. But for one thing, we just have too much silverware. The spoons always overflow, and I try really really hard to balance them so that they don’t flow over into the fork space. This never works. I hate it.

For another thing (is that how that expression works? well, if it didn’t before, it does now), like any normal, non-fancy family of four, we do not have a unified silverware set. They are slightly different shapes and sizes. In my years of putting the dishes away, I have tried to organize them. I have tried to put the bigger ones on the bottom, I have taken note of the curve of the necks above the actual ladle/teeth/blade, and which necks fit on top of other necks best, and which necks are the flattest and therefore the best on top. But unfortunately I am not the only one who puts dishes away, and if I try to explain to anyone else my system for trying to get the silverware drawer not to explode in anarchy, they will look at me like I am insane. Well, maybe it’s your STUPID SILVERWARE DRAWER THAT’S MADE ME THIS WAY!

And what’s more, I tried to organize the big space on the right-hand side of the brown silverware organizer too. The big spoons – the tablespoons – are organized according to size and neck shape at the top and left edges of the section, and – here is where my genius shines – the spoons we call “iced tea spoons” because they are small but extra-long for stirring things like iced tea are placed ladle-down against the bottom and right edges of the section, so that the extra-long handles of the iced tea spoons are nestled comfortably against the ladles of the tablespoons, and they don’t knock each other over.

Well, I’m pleased to see that this tradition continues even when I’m not here, but the problem is that it doesn’t work anymore. We have acquired new tablespoons, and they are GINORMOUS and will knock over the iced tea spoons no matter what. So, all of that genius for nothing.

Then, outside the brown thing, we put all of the sharper knives (only butter knives go in the brown thing), my chopsticks, straws, and miscellaneous cooking utensils strewn about in the rest of the drawer space. Which works really great when you want the potato masher but almost get your finger sliced off by the paring knife you just barely escape in your search.

And if that weren’t enough, now there is a NEW problem added onto the Silverware Drawer Nightmare: The drawer itself is broken and does not stay on the track.

THAT’S RIGHT: Not only is it disorganized, overflowing, and dangerous to go searching in, but also, if you pull it out just far enough, EVERYTHING WILL COME FALLING DOWN AND STAB YOUR FEET!

So there you have it. This is why I hate our silverware drawer. And, coincidentally, why I do not understand my parents at all. Shouldn’t they be concerned about the immediate ramifications of such a dangerous silverware drawer? Why aren’t they more concerned about either a) replacing it or b) fixing it, and then organizing it in a way that actually makes sense? And how do we not have more silverware-related injuries in our house? How can you sit there and make stupid blueprints for a super-expensive deck when your silverware drawer is about to murder you and your whole family?

AM I THE ONLY SANE MEMBER OF THIS FAMILY?!

Clearly not.

Don’t fuck with me, silverware drawer. I’m plotting your demise as I type and you stare at me innocently from five feet away. I SEE THROUGH YOUR CHARADE.

Mark my words, you will NOT cut my feet off. Not if I can help it.